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Post by Rex Carson De Luca on Jul 26, 2012 17:28:10 GMT -7
I want to explain something that's a little bit personal and a lot of bit crazy, partially to help it make sense in my own mind. But also just to inform you guys so it doesn't sneak up and surprise you.
About six months ago I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I'm not sure which type. Type I or Type II, we're not really sure yet. It's either severe Type II or mild Type I, kind of on the fence sort of thing. It doesn't matter.
What does matter is this means I have long, extremely painful bouts feeling like an absolute shit-tastic person (do excuse my language). I don't know why I feel this way, my thoughts have no factual basis to them at all. It's just like... suddenly every little thing that I have ever done turns into a big, huge thing that I can't ignore. Every red light I've run in my car, every door or wall I've walked into while not paying attention, every time I've ever stuttered or stumbled in conversation, every plate I've broken, every bit of food I've spilled or wasted in my life, suddenly becomes evidence that I am a useless waste of space that deserves to die.
Even to me, it makes no sense. Perhaps that's what really makes it most distressing. It's so... odd to be so out of yourself, to believe things you'd never be caught dead believing before. I mean, sure I've never had the best self-esteem in the world, but I've never wanted to kill myself, and I almost did back in February, for literally no reason. How can you believe in yourself, trust yourself, when you're capable of things so vastly out of character? Out of your own character? It's mind boggling. Anyway, I rapid cycle pretty badly so these depressive episodes usually last for two or three days and can be interrupted by manic episodes that usually last about 12 hours. So if I mood swing like ridiculously, say anything stupid, do anything to offend you guys, I apologize with all of my heart in advanced. I really don't mean to hurt people, I just do. It just... happens.
Perhaps you should ban me preemptively, to save yourself some grief.
Or just ignore this. I'm okay with either one. I always regret the things that I post when my thing is doing it's thing. But this is a new forum, you guys don't know me, so I felt it necessary to warn you all. The last few forums I didn't warn ended up worse for wear... |
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Post by Lindsey on Jul 28, 2012 10:17:27 GMT -7
I have to admit that I had no idea how to reply to this.
I'd like to start by offering you my friendship and comfort. Everyone needs someone to be there to talk to and understand them, even if not perfectly.
We all have personal things in our lives that are either small or large depending, that still manage to weed themselves into our lives despite our best efforts.
Yours is no different. And I personally, would never condemn you for that.
You've done absolutely nothing to us on the site that would warrant banning or hatred or anything of the sort. Even on your worst day, we can now understand what might be going on.
Don't worry.
You have a home here, and if you need someone to talk to, then you've got a friend in me.
<3
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Post by Rex Carson De Luca on Jul 31, 2012 0:59:20 GMT -7
Well you did a good job for not knowing what to say. I appreciate the kind words. Let's hope you don't come to regret them later. |
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Post by Lindsey on Aug 1, 2012 11:18:22 GMT -7
<3 I doubt I will. Don't be too hard on yourself. I've got some personal issues (which I'm not nearly as brave to admit) that I deal with as well and often having me feeling similar to the way you feel. Don't let those feelings stop you or hinder you. Sometimes you can't control it, but that's no reason to fear what you might do. You've done nothing wrong in my eyes.  |
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Post by Jynx Pandora on Aug 1, 2012 15:34:50 GMT -7
I know that I just started here but first I would like to give you a big internet hug! I think it takes a lot of bravery to just come out and say something like that and I know I'm just some random person on the internet but I really admire your level of strength. And like Lindsey I have some issues that I'm not brave enough to admit that I can't imagine are the same but lead me to a place where I can picture where you're coming from. And you should never have to apologize for who you are!
<333333
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